How Smart Women [Unknowingly] Let Total Goofballs Determine their Self-Worth, Lovability and Value — and How To Finally Stop Giving a Rat’s Ass What Other People Think!

womans hand manipulating puppet over dark background

So I’ve had a hankerin’ to start giving local talks here in the San Diego area.

And while I’ve been SAYING I want this . . . I simply wasn’t DOING it.

(Big difference.)=

And that got me thinking:

“Why would a smart girl like me be dodging something SO important for my mission?”

Without realizing it, those questions unraveled a whole deeper world of awareness: I was worried about what other people would think.

And that unlocked the motherload of other hidden areas where I was unknowingly letting total goofballs run my show. (9 to be exact.)

But who wants to be a puppet to other people’s opinions or preferences?

. . . Not me!!!

So it’s about time that you and I dropped ALL our desires to be loved, approved and appreciated (by anyone other than ourselves).

. . . And reclaim your innate awesomeness instead!!!

So let’s dive into 9 areas where you may secretly be letting others yank your strings – and how to stop giving a rat’s ass about what anyone thinks. Period.

When I got really honest with myself, I realized that deep-down I was believing things like this about going out and giving live talks:

  • People might think I SUCK.

(Because if I’m afraid I might suck… and THEY think I suck, too… then it surely MUST be true!)

  • People may think I’m a FRAUD.

(Thinking things like: “Who does SHE think she is… talking about these topics?”)

  • People will think I’m BOOOOOOORING.

(Thinking things like: “God, WHEN will this crazy red-head ever shut up? Zzzzzzzzzzzz……”)

Let’s face it: It’s pretty devastating to our brains to contemplate failing around something we care a whole lot about.

Which is why most people NEVER take the leap to do what they really love.

Most people would LITERALLY rather die – than to fail at something so close to their heart.

Sad but true.

But boy, this “People Pleasing” Syndrome runs way deeper than giving a live talk.

Oh no… it’s a creepy, sneaky lil’ bugger…working it’s way into almost every other aspect of your life, living, health, love and more.

But if you’re not aware of it – with laser-like clarify – it will grind away in the background of your life… slowly eroding your confidence, creativity, bravery, and freedom.


But First: WHY would we do this?

It goes back to birth. Early childhood. And basically: your entire upbringing!

We’re one of the few animals on the planet (besides primates) who are totally, utterly helpless when we pop into the world.

Without the love of our mothers – we would starve. Freeze. Die.

That makes for a very precarious scenario. One that’s NO JOKE.

It’s life or death, baby!

We’re also programmed biologically to REQUIRE love in order to thrive, survive and grow. Without it, we’re goners.

And if our own parents decide that we’re ugly. Sub-par. A loser. A pain in the arse = We’re done for!!!!!

Gone. Sayonara. Adios amigos.

But we learn to seek love, approval and appreciation from those around us at such an early age that we don’t fully realize the game of it all.

As we grow older, we forget that we no longer will DIE without mommy and daddy. We forget that we’re all grown up, self-sufficient… totally capable of feeding, clothing and protecting ourselves.

Yet we keep playing out this helpless, externalized, love-game… for the rest of our lives… in every area of our lives (to greater or lesser degrees).

And while it sounds ridiculous. Ludicrous. It’s a very painful, serious game – one that wrecks more lives, dreams and spirits than most anything else in the WORLD.

Because if you and I no longer cared about what others thought… and we learned to fill our tank from the inside, out… we would immediately experience the most delicious freedom EVER imaginable.

The pinnacle of peace. …The ultimate orgasmic euphoria!

And Remember WHO you’re giving your power to…




…Totally, utterly unenlightened peeps!

…Folks with far less of a clue than YOU!

Look around, Sister: How many truly wise, enlightened people do you ever encounter? (Hint: probably NONE.)

So why in the WORLD would you want to give two stink-bombs about THEIR opinions (when they likely have no idea how to run their own lives well – let alone YOURS?)

Yup… basically: Giving a shit what others think of you is really the giant turd on humanity…


After working with hundreds of women… let’s run through the 9 most common ways I’ve witnessed (and experienced first-hand!) how caring what others think can wreck your life:

  1. You won’t take risks.

You’ll dodge things that mean the most to you, and will avoid stepping into the unknown, or facing your greatest fears… which means that those things nearest and dearest to your heart will go utterly unexplored.

  1. You won’t feel attractive.

If you let others dictate your outer (or inner) beauty, you’re screwed. Every culture, every community and every individual has their own standards for what’s beautiful to them. You’ll end up driving yourself bat-shit cray-cray if you attempt to make others happy with your appearance – feeling gorgeous one minute, and dumpy the next.

  1. You won’t make as much money as you could.

You’ll worry that your friends, family and colleagues will think you’re snobby, stuck-up, or too big for your britches. Or you’ll worry that if you make lots of money, people will ask for some — or worse yet: take it away from you! (And since you don’t want to hurt people’s feelings, or experience that kind of loss, you’ll just stay broke — so you never have to face your discomfort of giving an honest “No.”)

  1. You’ll stay in a dead end job.

You’ll hang out far too long in limiting, shnoozefest jobs or infuriating career conundrums, because you’re afraid: of being rejected on your climb up the ladder; or facing rejection and roadblocks if you quit to follow your dreams.

  1. You’ll say “Yes” to things when you really mean “No”.

If you put other’s opinions of you over your own, you’ll likely say “Yes” (when you really mean “No.”). And that could look like: sitting on the couch watching TV with your sweetie – when you’d rather be hangout out with a favorite gal-pal; overextending yourself to take care of others – not leaving enough time or energy to take care of yourself; or stepping into business ventures that don’t feel quite “right” (but heaven-forbid you SAY something)!

  1. You stay in dead-end relationships.

You know in your heart that you’re meant to move on to greener pastures — but you stay so your partner doesn’t get their feelings hurt. So you trample your own heart in order to spare another. (A lose-lose scenario.)

  1. You won’t pursue wonderful, healthy partners.

On the flipside of #6, I also see a lot of women avoiding wonderful, healthy partners – because they’re afraid that someone who’s healthy, happy and whole surely COULDN’T love them! So to avoid rejection by a strong, loving person – they avoid the relationship altogether.

  1. You will ignore your intuition. 

If your attention is always outside of yourself — then there’s no one INSIDE of you, manning the controls. So all of that wise, juicy intuitive know-how is going to be wasted… unheard… ignored entirely. That is, until you get your head out of other people’s bums, and back into your own skin.

  1. You won’t put yourself out there and make a HUGE SPLASH!

If you see the world as a big, bad scary place – filled with people who can yank your chain… on command!… then you’re guaranteed to avoid putting yourself out there, speaking up and making BOLD ripples through the world. And that’s a sad, sad scenario indeed. It means your brilliance will stay tucked deep inside of you, never to get out. And it doesn’t get much worse than that.

…Can you find other areas besides these 9?

But what can you do about this?

Here’s a simple exercise to practice this week that should help…


This week, ask yourself this 1 question:

  1. Who would I be if I didn’t care what anyone thought?

Really sink into this – and daydream about all aspects of your life. And if you find this exercise tough, feel free to imagine that you’re someone else entirely — someone who’s confident and fearless in the ways that you admire. Then step into their [virtual] shoes – and try them on for size!

The more you allow your brain to experience a new way of being – even if it’s only in your mind – that means you’re 1 step closer (and made it 1 step easier) to living that out in reality.

Also feel free to get even more specific…

2. Who would you be if you were fearless around:

… Men?

… Your Boss?

… Your Bucket List items?

… Your biggest enemy?

… Your biggest hero?

… Taking risks?

… Social situations?

… Creative projects?

… Putting yourself out there and being seen?

… Making a huge difference in the world?

… Living your Mission?

… Failing (especially at something you love)?

Report your results — and any new tidbits you discover about yourself — below in the comment section…

I hope this has helped bring more attention… and TLC!… to a touchy, sensitive topic that plagues ALL of us from time to time.

But it’s a topic that may be one of the most important topics of your life.

Don’t let it go hidden for too long – you’re far too precious, and powerful… to hide that light of yours for too long!

Lots of love –



© Copyright 2015 Stephanie McWilliams LLC

This entry was posted in Being Unstoppable!, Confidence, Inspired Action, Procrastination, Relationships, Unstoppable Mindset. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post. Trackbacks are closed, but you can post a comment.

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