Are you ready to unravel your life? Are you ready to knock down the barriers that stand between you and deep, profound happiness?
“The Work of Byron Katie” is the most profound experience I’ve ever encountered. I’ve done a LOT of work on myself in the past 2 decades, and have encountered some amazing modalities and healers, yet nothing, not even the practice of Feng Shui, has made the same impact in my life as Katie’s powerful, simple process.
I need to admit something though… for the past 1-2 years I’ve put this process to practice very little. I’ve allowed myself to get swept up in my beliefs around the excitement and newness and challenge of creating a television show. And I know that this time has been perfect, because everything is always in perfect order. But just lately I felt that inner calling to take notice of the lack of peace I’m experiencing in certain parts of my life – beliefs that are creating stress around work and love that are whispering in my ear to be gently understood, explored, and unraveled on an even deeper level.
I have personally experienced deep and profound peace in my past, for extended periods of time that were magic beyond words. I know what is possible for the human spirit. Yet like anyone else, I get lost in my beliefs now and then. I continue to find areas in my life that could use some light, some love and some compassion. And since I’ve found such incredible peace through Byron Katie’s process, I’m here to share my own process of “The Work” with you, in hopes that you and I may both experience more peace within through the journey…
“The Work” is a series of 4 questions and a turn-around that you can apply to any single belief. This is a time to get petty, and write down your true thoughts – don’t try to be spiritual or wise! Also try to write simple, short statements when trying this for yourself – it will be much easier to understand at first:
1. Is it true?
2. Can you really know that it’s true?
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
4. Who would you be without it?
* Turn Around
So let’s take a look at one of my beliefs, and applying the four questions:
MEN SHOULDN’T REJECT ME BASED SOLELY ON MY APPEARANCE.
QUESTION 1: Is it true that men shouldn’t reject me?
ANSWER 1: Yes. Men shouldn’t reject me based on my looks… it’s painful and shallow and petty. They should love me for who I am… They should see the real me and love or leave me for THAT reason only.
QUESTION 2: Is it REALLY true that men shouldn’t reject me based on looks?
ANSWER 2: Well, maybe not. What is, is. On this planet, men reject women based on looks…sometimes. It’s what happens.
It feels bad inside me to dictate how the world should operate, or how someone should feel about me. It feels bossy, like I’m playing God, and I feel more like a dictator. It’s unkind, arrogant, and doesn’t feel like my nature.
Do I even NEED an man’s approval? Would I die if I were alone? Would I crumble if a man rejected me again? I’m pretty sure I’d keep breathing…. I’m pretty sure I’d keep moving forward… My happiness isn’t dependent on anything outside myself.
And can I really know that someone has ever rejected me based solely on my looks? Often times it definitely LOOKED like I was being rejected for that reason. Sometimes they even TOLD me that. But I’ll never know what goes on inside someone else’s head or know their true motivations… All I know is, when I have rejected someone in my past, it’s been because of fear or insecurity on my part. So perhaps it’s the same with some men. I can’t know…
And who’s business is it who they reject? Theirs. Who’s business is it who I choose to “reject”? Mine. When I get into someone else’s business, I hurt. I’m outside myself…and it’s lonely.
So all this being said, no… I can’t know that men shouldn’t reject me. Maybe, just maybe, it’s not true….
QUESTION 3: How do I react when I hold the belief that men shouldn’t reject me for my looks?
ANSWER 3: I feel insecure. I act phony. I try to be something I’m not. I try to look a certain way, and then don’t feel like myself, but rather an actress. It feels unnatural, and uncomfortable. I don’t give some men the benefit of the doubt that they could actually love me for myself, or find me attractive as I am. I doubt their motives. I don’t trust them when they say they love me. I hide, protect myself from rejection by not putting myself “out there”. I approach men with the belief that they could hurt me, so there’s usually a distancing that happens. It’s lonely… fearful… untrusting…. I feel deep down that I’m not good enough as I am.
QUESTION 4: Who would I be without the thought that men shouldn’t reject me based on my looks?
ANSWER 4: I’d have an open heart. I’d love them, no matter what. I’d be more compassionate, even if they reject me. I’d feel strong, secure, loving and powerful in front of a man. I’d be happy, with or without a man. I’d feel sexy, beautiful and worthy at every moment. I would feel connected, intimate and loving with all men. I wouldn’t think about how I looked, but rather would be thinking about THEM instead. I wouldn’t feel needy or clingy or insecure, but rather, lovingly unattached. And I’d feel GREAT about running all over town naked! (laugh)
TURN-AROUND 1: Men SHOULD reject me.
(Turn-arounds are just a way to try on the opposite of what we’ve been thinking. Often times, you will find that the turn-arounds are as true, if not truer, than the original belief. Also, quite often you will find more than 1 turn-around for a statement, as show below)
TURN-AROUND 1 RESPONSE: How do I know men should reject me? They do… sometimes. When I say that anything outside myself should be other than it is, I’m going to lose. ALWAYS. Things happen as they happen. When we oppose this, we get pain. Pain is a brilliant indicator that we’re attached to a lie, or a belief that simply isn’t true for us. In those moments, we’re going against what is, and it always hurts.
And perhaps I NEEDED men to reject me based on my looks. Perhaps that’s my path. Maybe that’s been my opportunity to grow and find God. It has allowed me over the years to love myself and others on a deeper, less-superficial level. Through rejection, I now love people for their hearts, not their looks. I don’t allow physical things to come between my connection and love for others. In hindsight, these situations have been amazing gifts that have made me who I am today — a learning opportunity I wouldn’t take back if I could, no matter how painful they were in the moment.
TURN-AROUND 2: I shouldn’t reject men because of looks.
TURN-AROUND 2 RESPONSE: This belief is for ME to live, not anyone else. Our individual belief systems are OUR own unique prescriptions for happiness. It is for me to learn to love people unconditionally, not others. Every belief in my head is for ME to follow. They are my rules for happiness…period. Where can I learn to love people less superficially? How can I be a teacher to others of how to love, regardless of looks?
By taking this in deeply, and living it myself, it has brought me my wonderful boyfriend who thinks I’m the cat’s meow! I’m tall, he’s short. I’m more of a “yuppie” and he’s got long hair and rides a motorcycle. I’m into health food, and he’s into burgers and fries. Would I have been so open to our differences if it hadn’t been for my perceived “rejections” by men? We’ll never know…
TURN-AROUND 3: I shouldn’t
reject me based solely on my appearance.
TURN-AROUND 3 RESPONSE: If I don’t want men to reject me, how about I try it first? I reject me (in my mind) all day long. Somehow I think it should be easy to love regardless of my looks, but I can’t seem to do it with my very own self!!! How about I learn to love my looks unconditionally, and THEN go dictate this belief to all men around the planet!
I’m humbled when I see that I have everything in common with the men who have “rejected” me in the past. We BOTH can’t seem to accept my looks! (smile) So let the work begin with me. Let ME learn to love ME unconditionally. And if I figure that out in this lifetime, I probably will feel so full and complete that it won’t matter if EVERY person rejects me on the planet! I’ll be free to love others the way I had been trying to get them to love me. It’s the act of loving that feels so good, not the receiving of it. I can live as an example of unconditional love. I can finally be a true teacher…
As Katie often says… “If I had a prayer, it would be: Please God, spare me from the desire to receive love, approval or acceptance. Amen.” Desiring love is painful. Giving love is where the beauty lies.
TURN-AROUND 4: My thinking shouldn’t reject me based solely on my appearance.
(Replacing “my thinking” in the turn-around stage can often times be helpful. It can take the statement to another level of exploration… )
TURN-AROUND 4 RESPONSE: My thinking is the only problem in this situation. Without the thought that people should find me attractive, I am neutral… able to stand in front of them, “thoughtless”, open and loving. Without my attachment to this belief, there is no pain, no suffering… just peace and love. Thoughts are neutral until I attach to them… When I believe my thoughts, I’m in pain.
There are many more levels of doing “The Work” which we can explore at another time. For more information and background on “The Work of Byron Katie”, as well as a free downloadable worksheet, go to www.THEWORK.com. You can also go to YouTube and watch the many samples posted there of her process in action. Also, please write if you’d like me to send you audio samples of “The Work” – I have thousands of examples, and would be more than happy to share them with any of you…
If any of you would like to try doing “The Work”, please email your writings to me. If you get stuck, just ask. And if you would be open to me posting them here, let me know. They can be a great tool for others…
With lots of love,
Stephanie
